


Go Out With a Bang

by StripedSunhat



Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Bang is so done, Crack, Developing Friendships, Drinking, Flirting, Friends With Benefits Without The Benefits, Gen, Humor, Oblivious, Oblivious Gil, Paris hijinks, Seduction Fails, Violence, Violence and Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 23:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20455274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StripedSunhat/pseuds/StripedSunhat
Summary: How Bangladesh DuPree did not in fact sleep with Gilgamesh Wulfenbach.Gil was strong, not horrible to look at and capable of ripping a rampaging monster to pieces with his bare hands.It didn't take Bang long to decide she was going to carve out a piece.It was promptly followed by the realization that Gil wasthe single most oblivious man on earthShe was going to sleep with Gil if it killed him.





	Go Out With a Bang

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is entirely kalaong's fault.  
They pointed out in a comment that with _"Gil in monster-slaying mode should have Bang klonking him over the head with a severed femur and dragging him off in chains for squishy things."_  
Personally I think Gil's constant insistence for 'reasonableness' and 'mercy' would kind of kill that before it could really start it didn't stop the plot bunnies. So now, you get this. Just remember, it's not my fault.

The Baron’s kid was a bit… stupid.

Yeah, yeah, fine he was a genius and a prodigal Spark and had broken through at some absurdly young age, yadda yadda yadda… That didn’t change the fact that there were times when he was denser than a box of rocks.

A lot of times.

Bang wasn’t keeping count per say, but she was totally keeping count.

Case in point, this? Letting the assassin go (who Gil was on a reciprocal first name basis with) instead of killing him? That was definitely being added to the list.

He hadn’t even _played_ with him. He’d beaten him up, sure, but that was all _business_ and _efficiency_ and _incapacitating the assailant_. He hadn’t even let **_Bang_** play with him. Instead he was all _No Captain DuPree_ and _that would be cruel Captain DuPree_ and _we need him coherent to answer questions Captain DuPree_. Coherent! He was a Spark he could always resurrect the guy later.

Coherent.

And now he was letting the guy **_GO_**.

“I can’t believe you’re letting him go.”

“He’s being arrested,” Gil said, wiping the sweat off his brow. “That’s hardly ‘getting away’.”

“He’s going to escape in like five minutes.”

“Of course he will. But that’ll be the peacekeepers’ fault, not ours.”

“I can’t believe you’re friendly with your assassins.”

“Not all of them. Besides, Bob’s nice. And he’s not technically an assassin anymore. He’s working on transitioning over to lethal spy.”

Bang only really knew the specific classifications for pirates, raiders and cutthroats. “The difference being?”

Gil shrugged. “Mainly prioritization. A few slightly different rules about the handling of acceptable casualties and what you can and can’t steal off corpses.” Well that was dumb. Everyone knew the answer to that last one was whatever you felt like. It’s not like they could stop you. “I told him the last time I saw him not to do it,” Gil grumbled. “But does he listen to me? No, of course not.”

Bang stared at him. “Are you feeling sorry for him?”

“Well, yeah. Poor idiot’s going to get chewed to bits. It’s called empathy Captain DuPree, try it some time. It might surprise you.”

The list was getting two entries tonight.

* * *

Gil was a kind of an idiot.

Fair enough, most people were idiots.

He was still fun. He attracted chaos and explosions like a doom-magnet and he had a wonderful habit of diving straight into whatever danger he ran across. Usually for some stupidly ‘noble’ reason like ‘saving the screaming civilian hostage’ or ‘protecting the rest of the city’ but it gave Bang a chance to fight things so she didn’t really care how Gil dressed it up as.

And he was pretty good at it. Generally, Bang wouldn’t like anyone else encroaching on her fun time but watching Gil work was strangely appealing. Say what you want about Klaus’s parenting style, he knew how to raise a kid to fight. Gil knew what he was doing out there, every move calculated for maximum destruction.

The construct fell to the ground with a loud _THUMP_, the force of its landing lifting several people into the air. Bang remained planted on the ground. Gil bounced over to her heedless of the mess he’d left behind him. “Told you I could take him down in less than five moves.”

“I’m almost impressed. Now scoot. It’s my turn.” She pulled out a knife and leapt at the construct. Gil grabbed her arm mid-leap.

“No,” he said, pulling her back. “He’s down DuPree. You’re not attacking an innocent, _unconscious_ lab construct.”

“You had your fun, why shouldn’t I get mine?”

“**No.** And I wasn’t ‘having fun’; he was attacking the chemistry labs. All I did was make sure he didn’t blow anything up or hurt himself even worse.”

“Oh come on!! He’s a big monster!!”

“He’ll change back.”

“Nobody’ll care if I have a little fun with him first.”

“Beaker is a valued member of the faculty and one of the premier minions in all of Europa. No playing.”

Bang huffed, folding her arms. “If his Spark’s so concerned about keeping him in one piece then he shouldn’t keep testing everything on him.”

“It’s why we have lab assistants. It doesn’t mean you should kill other people’s outside of the lab. That’s just rude.”

See, this right here was the problem with Gil. Every time he did something impressive or attractively violent he had to turn around and be an idiot about it.

* * *

There was a distinct possibility Gil had more muscles than brains.

That was fine. Bang liked muscles. Especially when the person knew how to use them.

And for the record? Gil _knew_ how to use his.

Don’t get her wrong, he was still an idiot. He still went around sparing assassins and refusing to play with the constructs he took down and he still insisted on _talking_ half the time instead of just stabbing everyone but that’s just who he was. He was an idiot but he was a lovable one. And more to the point he was _her_ idiot. At least for now anyway.

And he wasn’t half bad to look at. Aside from the muscles thing he had a whole ‘friendly puppy’ deal going on that somehow worked rather than made Bang want to kick him.

And like Bang said before Gil had some muscle on him. Last week he lifted a clank three times his size above his head. That was a man who could throw her into a wall hard enough to crack it. And someone she could throw into a wall too. He was still the Baron’s kid after all; she couldn’t afford to break him.

Gil might not exactly be Bang’s type but he was hardly unattractive. And Bang was going to be hanging around for a while. She was hardly looking for a _relationship_ or something stupid like that but a quick tumble or two could be fun.

Who knew, if he was any good maybe they could make it a regularish kind of thing.

* * *

She couldn’t actually break the Baron’s kid. There was a short list of things she’d traded away as no longer allowed to do when she signed on with the Klaus. She was pretty sure ‘breaking Gil’ was right there at the top of it. Fine. She could do subtle. She could totally do subtle.

It shouldn’t be that hard to get Gil’s attention. He was eighteen and had spent his whole life under Klaus’s thumb. All Bang needed to do what flash him a smile and maybe a glimpse of her boobs and he’d come right to her.

Two weeks of more smiling than she’s ever done outside of a massacre and progressively tighter and lower cut shirts and nothing. Not even so much as a lingering glimpse down the front. Granted Bang would usually carve the guy to little bits for even trying but this time Bang _wanted_ him to look. But no. Gil remained completely oblivious.

What it did get her was an assassin literally walking into a wall because he was so distracted.

“Now that’s just embarrassing,” Gil said, hauling him up. “Don’t you have any professional dignity? I’ve got half a mind to give you to her to deal with.”

“Really?” Bang said perking up. Maybe she’d get something out of all of this after all.

“No Bang. I said half a mind. We’re not actually doing that.”

“Why not!”

“You’ve already broken both his arms, that’s just going to have to be good enough. Now come on. We need to drop him off with the authorities.”

Worst plan ever.

* * *

It was glaringly obvious Gil was completely gone for Prince Poncy. Except for some SEA AND SKY FORSAKEN REASON he _hadn’t slept with him yet_. He hadn’t done **anything** with him yet.

Denser than a box of rocks.

Still even if Gil wasn’t going to solve that that problem any time soon it didn’t mean Bang couldn’t. _Somebody_ had to help Gil burn off all that sexual build up he refused to deal with the princy himself. Bang would be more than happy to step in.

Now to delicately broach the subject.

~

“You’re in love with Tarvek.”

Gil fell off his bed. Given that he was lying in the middle of it when Bang had spoken, that was impressive.

“Wh– There’s– I don’t– That’s no– I’m not–” Gil flailed around on the floor, sputtering frantic denials as he tried to claw his way back onto the bed. Bang set herself daintily down on the edge to better watch the view.

“It’s obvious to anyone with eyes.”

“I am _not_ in love with Tarvek.” Gil had by this point managed to climb to his feet and he was pointedly looking anywhere that wasn’t her. Bang grinned.

“You’re _pining_.” Gil turned bright red. His sputtering didn’t even manage to form any real words this time.

As amusing as it was and as much as Bang could spend all night teasing him, she had a purpose here. “You need a good night in the sack. Get rid of all those feelings you keep having over him.”

~

“–and another thing, he writes codes in the margins of his notes. Not anything important mind you. One time he’d written my names sixteen times, each one in a different code, followed by, I kid you not a recipe for soup.” Bang groaned and flung an arm over her eyes. They were now in hour three of ‘Why Tarvek Sturmvoraus was the worst person in the entire world so of course Gil doesn’t have absolutely any feelings for him whatsoever and most certainly wasn’t ever going to sleep with him’. “Soup! What kind of person–” This is what she got for not sticking to teasing. If this went on she was going to eviscerate somebody. And not even for any of the normal reasons. No, this would be a strictly functional evisceration.

“So does that mean he’s free pickings?”

“–and he–” Gil did a double-take, swerving to look at her. “What?”

“Well you don’t want him. Therefore he’s free game.”

Gil’s mouth hung open like a stunned trout. He closed it with a snap. Opened it again. Closed it.

Bang grinned. This was nearly as good as evisceration. Nearly. “Goody! He makes the _best_ squeals when he’s terrified!”

“I don’t– That’s not–”

“Great!” Bang chirped, purposefully ignoring Gil’s continued stammering. “In that case I’m gonna go find him. She bounded out of the room, locking Gil in. That should give her some lead up time while he tried to recover his brain.

Kidnapping Tarvek and selling him to pirates was the best idea Bang had had in months. Not only was her and Tarvek’s combined disappearance no doubt driving Gil absolutely crazy being back on a pirate ship again was _fun_. She’d almost forgotten what it was like being back where she belonged.

Plus her fellow captain was also _very_ pretty.

_She_ knew what all Bang’s smiling meant.

* * *

Gil got overly-attached to people way too easily for a guy who was going to take over an empire one day. He cared about people. Genuinely cared, not just pretended like a normal person. Someone he met five minutes ago was his new best friend. Everything he was told he took at face value. He trusted everything Bang told him. Even _Bang_ didn’t trust half of what came out of her mouth.

He would have died years ago if he wasn’t so good at killing things. Even then it was a miracle he hadn’t given his stupid tendency towards, urgh, _mercy._

Clearly he needed someone like Bang looking out for him.

* * *

The bar was a run-down hive of scum and villainy where a new fight broke out every few minutes and you were as likely to get stabbed as you were to get a drink. Bang had talked Gil into coming with her. Then again she hadn’t had to exactly work that hard at it. Point to Gil’s favor. They were tucked into the back – Gil’s insistence because even when he’s having fun he’s still got to have that stick shoved up _somewhere_ – nursing their third drinks of the night when somebody threw a guy into their table. Gil saved both of their drinks, lifting them up right as he landed. Second point to Gil. The man hit the table knocking over a lamp and setting part of his own sleeve on fire.

“Lovely place you’ve brought us to Bang.”

Bang shrugged. “Slow night. Usually it’s way more fun.”

“And do the patrons usually smell like they just fished themselves from a sewer?” Gil asked, screwing his nose up.

“Hey!” fire-guy yelled, “Say that to my face you warthog-faced cockalorum milksop wh –” Gil poured both drinks on his face. All the points taken away from Gil. That was _good _booze. The alcohol hit the small bits of flame still flickering on the guy’s sleeve and he went from smoking to engulfed. He yelped and tumbled off the table to roll frantically around on the ground.

…half point back in Gil’s favor.

The fight that erupted as a result of fire guy being set on fire was entirely Gil’s fault.

Bang was so proud of him.

Gil smashed a tankard into somebody’s face while Bang clawed at the eyes of the guy closest to her. He screeched and stumbled back, clutching his bleeding face. Bang grabbed the next closest guy by the hair and smashed his skull into the edge of a table. “Not going to pull out a knife?” Gil called from where he was wrestling a claymore away from his neck.

“I haven’t used bare hands in a while,” Bang said, grabbing claymore guy’s arm and snapping it backwards. “It’s nice sometimes, feeling bones break and organs go squish under your own hands. She grabbed the claymore. “I am keeping this though!”

“Somehow,” Gil said, ducking to let an attacker vault over him and land on three others, “I’m not surprised.”

“Never turn down a free sword,” Bang called back, grabbing a woman who was trying to gut her by the throat and squeezing

Fire guy had managed to put himself out by then, but not before setting a table and part of the wall on fire. Smoke filtered through the air as the flames grew. “Time to go,” Gil said. He grabbed a guy who’d been inching for the exit and threw him out the window, shattering the glass. “Come on.” He grabbed Bang’s arm and launched the two of them out the newly made hole.

As soon as she was standing, Bang rounded on Gil, adrenaline still rushing through her. He had a cut running down from his hairline. Bang was going to lick it.

Gil craned his neck to look at the lump of a man he’d thrown into the street. “Do you think he’s okay?”

She slammed Gil back against the nearest wall. “No clue.”

“What was he be doing in a place like that? It’s clearly not his normal scene.”

“Who cares?” she said, working on the line of buttons on Gil’s shirt.

“We should help him. He might be hurt.” With no effort at all Gil pushed her away and started heading over towards the lump, leaving Bang clutching half of his shirt. Bang let her head smack against the brick.

~

The guy’s name was Wooster. He was British, painfully obviously a spy and she was pretty sure Gil had already adopted him as his new pet.

You see? This is what she meant when she called him overly-attached.

* * *

Trying to literally jump him led to one beautifully perfect squeak, a very satisfyingly brutal fight and one very angry Gil demanding to know what her ‘little assassination attempt’ was about.

Please. If it were an assassination attempt he’d know it.

* * *

Monster guts and clank parts rained down on the street like demonic Sparky hail. Gil stood in the middle holding what had once been one of the monster’s three hearts. Bang was pretty sure it was still beating.

Screw subtlety.

Bang started ripping off her own clothes. He’d figure out the rest from there. And if not she’d help him.

Gil turned, scanning the street. His eyes landed on her and he froze. “Bang? What happened to your clothes?” Step one complete, now on to step two.

“The same thing that’s going to happen to yours.”

Gil yelped. “You mean that thing’s blood is acidic!? We have to decontaminate the whole street! We need readings and samples and I wonder if there’s any applications we could put it to once we’ve broken down the chemical composition…” His expression was already reverting back to Sparky. Bang grabbed his jacket sleeve and pulled. She was getting him naked before that happened. The sleeve tore with a satisfying rip. Gil blinked as he shifted his focus to her, eyes clearing. “We need to get you to a medical station. We don’t know whether the acid will stop with inorganic material. We need–”

“The acid didn’t eat my clothes I took them off.”

Gil turned until he was fully facing her direction. He looked her up and down and then tilted his head at her.

Finally.

“Why would you do that? It’s the middle of winter!” He shrugged out of his ruined jacket and all but threw it over her shoulders. “I know you think killing lust or whatever it is keeps you warm but that’s not how biology works. I’m not explaining to the Baron why you’re out of commission because you thought clothing was an optional subject. And where are you supposed to stow your weapons? Don’t answer that,” he added after a pause. “Come on. You need real clothes. It’s _snowing_ out Bang. Honestly–”

* * *

Bang was really starting to question Gil’s general awareness levels.

Or maybe his sanity.

* * *

Gil had an excellent collection of alcohol at his place. They were collapsed on Gil’s bed, having worked their way through several bottles already, the empty ones rolling around on the floor below them.

Bang glanced over at Gil. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes slightly unfocused, grinning dopily at nothing in particular. Or maybe at everything; it was even odds with him. Normally the lack of violence would put a damper on any kind of mood but clearly having spent so much time trying to bang through Gil’s skull had wrecked her judgement.

“My absinthe’s gone.”

Gil blinked twice slowly. He lifted his own bottle to check. “Huh. Mine’s gone too.”

Perfect timing to wrap her lips around something other than bottle mouths.

Bang leaned forward, intent on crawling up the line of Gil’s body. She abruptly face planted into the sheets as he suddenly leaned over under the bed. She sputtered at the taste of dirty sheets.

“Don’t worry!” Gil called, hoisting two new bottles in the air, “I’ve got more!”

Bang stole both. It was only fair payment.

* * *

“Bang! I’ve got something for you.”

“Did you change your mind about letting me play with that spy? Because–” Bang trailed off as Gil pulled a sword out from behind his back. “Oooohhhh.” She snatched it out of his hands. It was a sharply curved blade, one side viciously serrated and the other finely honed enough that someone Sparky had to be involved in the creation. “It’s beautiful,” Bang said, hugging it to her chest. “Is this a bribe?” she asked, still cradling the sword. “Because if it is it’s working.”

“No, it’s a birthday present.”

Bang blinked. She had not expected _that_. “A birthday present?”

“Uh-huh. I broke into Father’s file on you last time I was up on the airship. And it said that this was your birthday month. So happy birthday.”

Gil was so _weird_ sometimes. All attachment issues and squishiness. Although maybe Bang could play that in her favor.

“You know, if it’s a birthday gift it’s late. If you wanted to make it up to me though–”

“Oh no,” Gil interrupted her, “You are not allowed to try to guilt trip me into making you more stuff. Your file only had the month. If you want to guilt me you first have to let me know when your birthday is and then wait until next year.”

“It’s the sixth.”

“See?” Gil beamed at her like he’d been the one to win here. Joke’s on him, Bang was the one with the shiny new sword. “Now you can expect next year’s present to be on time.”

* * *

“We should have sex.”

Gil turned to stare at her. He’d just finished explaining things to the peacekeepers who were now hauling away the giant seven-armed monster. His shirt was gone, his pants were torn to shreds. There was dust and bone fragments in his har and he was covered in blood – most of it the monster’s, some of it his. There was a gash across his chest Bang just knew would hurt if she pressed on it. He was still holding the jagged rebar he’d been using as a weapon. In short he looked like sex personified and Bang was going to get her some of that.

“You, me, celebration sex. Unwind some.”

“Thank you Bang for your assessment on how much I apparently need to get laid.”

“I–”

“I’m not _that_ uptight you know.”

“That’s not–”

“Go ahead,” Gil said, waving her off and already turning away. “Don’t let me keep you. Have some fun. I’m going to go home and shower until I feel like something resembling human.” With that Gil walked away.

Bang stared dumbly at his retreating back.

No. Goddamn. Way.

One of the peacekeepers inched up beside her. “_I’d_ have sex with you.”

* * *

By this point it wasn’t even about the sex.

Gil could be the worst screw she’d ever had, she didn’t care. It had become a matter of personal pride. No one could be that oblivious. Not and still be smart enough to keep breathing. 

Now it was personal.

She was going to sleep with Gil if it killed him.

* * *

Getting naked in the warmer months didn’t work any better than it had in winter.

* * *

Getting naked in Gil’s room only resulted in Gil offering her first dibs on the shower.

* * *

Commandeering his bed led to Gil **_sleeping on the floor_.**

* * *

Bang had _planned _this.

There was no **_way_** Gil could misinterpret things _this_ time.

She’d gotten a new outfit, outrageously skimpy and threatening to expose some very interesting bits at any given second. It was way more than she’d usually wear for something like this but Gil was the squishy sort. He’d appreciate something traditional like being able to peel her out of her clothing.

Weapons-wise she was all but naked. All she had were the sword Gil gave her for her birthday and the knife she’d procured as a more conventional present. (Well, the sword and knife, and a pair of brass knuckles and a poisoned switchblade and a couple of personal explosives. But those didn’t really count.) She thought the knife was pretty clever. Sort of... symbolic. Balancing. With the knife he gave her and now the knife she’s giving him. Of course she’s hardly going to just _give _it to him. If he wanted it he’d have to wrestle it away from her. With any luck one of them would end up getting stabbed with it. Bang wasn’t picky who.

There was the sound of Gil’s boots clumping down the hall. Showtime.

Bang flung herself onto the bed, draping herself languidly over it. She took a few seconds to arrange herself to better show off her assets before the door swung open.

Gil stormed in, flipping through his mail. There wasn’t much there: one note with Klaus’s handwriting and two official-looking things with the school’s seal. He scowled down at the pile like he could make something else appear by sheer willpower. (He couldn’t. Some Spark had definitively proven you couldn’t make mail appear out of nothing a few years back.) “Hi Gil,” she said in her best seductive voice.

“Not in the mood Bang,” Gil said not even bothering to look up.

Bang sat up, all of her carefully crafted seduction falling away in favor of a good sulk. She should have known better than to waste her best efforts on someone like _Gil_. “It’s your birthday. You’re not allowed to pout.”

“I’m pretty sure it being my birthday means I can act however I want,” Gil shot back, _still_ not looking up from his letters.

She should just go out and find somebody to carve into a bloody pulp. That would make her feel better. Still, she’d give it one more try. She roughly pulled her seductiveness back around herself before saying, “I got you a birthday present.”

Gil finally glanced up. Bang smirked and leaned back against the headboard. Except instead of falling to his knees before her in a haze of lust like he was supposed to he just scowled even harder.

“I am **not **raiding a brothel with you.”

“That’s not what this is!”

“I’m not patronizing one with you either.”

“That’s not– AAURGH!!!” Shoving past Gil she stomped out of the room, making sure to step on his foot as she went. How the hell could anyone be that stupid!?

~

After an hour of causing as much mayhem as she could (she no longer had any explosives and she’d lost her switchblade in some guy’s gut about two blocks back) she ended up by Gil’s university labs.

Nope. NopeNope. She was not dealing with any more Gil tonight. Spinning on her heap she rerounded the corner to almost immediately collide with Prince Tarvek. Tarvek did some fancy Smoke Knight move, twisting around in a little pirouette-type deal. He had a set of beakers and glass coils in his arms that his little trick had left untouched. Bang reached out and smacked them out of his hands. Because she could.

“Hey!” Tarvek yelled, indigence overriding his usual terror at seeing her. “That was a _gift_.”

“Well that’s a stupid gift. Who gives beakers as a gift?” She looked him up and down and a smile crept over her face as she got an idea. “Fortunately for you,” she said, grabbing him with one hand and pulling out her sword with the other, “I’ve got a better one.”

~

The door banged against the wall as Bang threw it open. “Hey Gil!” she yelled, “I never gave you your present!”

“Bang whatever it is can it wait till–” he stopped short as he rounded the corner “–morning. Bang what is this?” Tarvek stood next to her in his underwear, bound by his own clothes (and gagged with his socks). Gil’s new birthday knife had been jammed into the middle of the bow she’d made with his pants, blade-side up.

Bang gave Gil a feral grin in response. “It’s your present!” She shoved Tarvek into Gil. “Have fun, don’t break him! Or do! Your call!” Grabbing the door handle she slammed it closed before Gil could respond.

She’d say even Gil couldn’t misread _that_ but it was Gil. He probably would.

* * *

Trying to get Gil to sleep with her was exhausting. No man was that oblivious. Even if he only liked guys he would have told her to stop by now. Bang did not for one second believe that he was one of those too scared of Bang to tell her she wasn’t his type.

Bang had reached her limit. She needed a vacation.

So after finding the nearest airship and ‘persuading’ him that what he really wanted to do was abandon his previous route entirely, she headed for her favorite bar. A weekend of sleeping and stabbing her way through the patronage was just what she’d needed.

She got back to Paris three days later. Gil wasn’t in his room, but it was easy enough to follow the gossip train to a shadier part of town that Gil had apparently disappeared into two nights ago. She went to track him down with a spring in her step and a smirk on her face. Nothing could bring her down right now.

The alley was a bloodbath.

Bang stared at the strewn about corpses in slowly growing shock. How dare he. How dare he not wait for her!

She stormed into the alley, intent on finding something to help her track Gil down so she could give him a true piece of her mind. By way of her sword. She barely made it two steps before something barreled into her.

“Bang!” Gil yelled directly into her ear, arms wrapped around her like a limpet. “You’re not dead!”

“Of course I’m not dead!” Bang said, shoving him off. It was a lot harder than it should be. He was strong and clung like he was glued on. “What happened? And why’d you start without me?” Bang was well aware her voice had taken up a whining sound by the end; she didn’t care. First Gil drove her around the bend for months and then he goes off and has all this fun without her.

In response Gil’s happy smile dropped away. What right did_ he_ have to look angry? Clearly Bang was the injured party here. Well, Bang and all the dead guys. But they didn’t count anymore. “Start without– Bang you were missing for three days! No one knew where you were, you didn’t leave any sort of note, you weren’t on a job for my father, you were just gone. I thought you were kidnapped! I thought you were _dead._”

Bang snorted. Wow was the lack of faith insulting. Clearly Gil was dumber than she’d thought. “Just because you can’t hear about an itty-bitty group of mercenaries without losing it doesn’t mean–”

“They were here for _you_. I tracked them down because they were here to kill _you._”

Oh.

That... changed things.

The Baron was going to kill her when he heard about this.

If he heard about this.

This wasn’t going into any of her reports back to Klaus.

Now she just had to make sure Gil wouldn’t go blab to his father.

Gil had turned away, crouching over the nearest body, examining… something Sparky. Bang didn’t really care about the details. “Soooo…” she said, sliding up next to him, “quite a mess you’ve made here.”

Gil shot a sideways glare at her. “I wouldn’t have had to make such a mess if you didn’t let your personal life leak over into your work.”

In spite of the problems looming over her Bang laughed. “Does that excuse ever fly?” she asked.

Rather than shove her or act offended like she’d expected, Gil scowled down at the ground. He hunched his shoulders together, making him seem for a moment almost… small.

“Of course,” he muttered to himself, “Should have known better than to–” He cut himself off and turned to face her. “So,” he said louder, “should I expect Father to call me to the carpet for this or should I just save him the trouble and hitch a ride to the airship now?”

“Why should I know?”

Gil rubbed his hand down his face. His shoulders were still hunched. “Can we just drop the pretending Bang? Just for tonight?”

“What pretending?” Bang demanded. 

“So you’re not going to report this to my father?” Gil said, making it very clear he thought he already knew the answer.

“Not if I can help it. And I don’t know why the hell you _would_. Personally, I’d try to keep it from him as long as you could.”

“Is this a trick?” Gil said, turning to study her. “Or maybe some new test? Because I really can’t do it tonight Bang.”

“Do what?” she snapped.

Gil’s shoulders dropped even more. “Fine. I’m going home. Tomorrow you can go back to pretending you didn’t frolic off for some unauthorized murder spree this weekend, I’ll go back to pretending you don’t report every move I make to my father and we can both go back to normal. Okay?”

Wait, _what?_

“I don’t report on you to your father.”

Gil snorted, a surprisingly bitter sound she’d never heard from him before. “Yeah, sure.”

Bang glared at him, offended for some reason she couldn’t pin down. “I _don’t_. I report back to him, sure, and you’re in my reports of a good half the ‘incidents’ he wants ‘explanations about’ because you were there, but I don’t report on _you._”

“Look, it doesn’t matter. I accepted a long time ago–”

“Playing babysitter to the Baron’s kid is not why I’m here,” Bang snapped out. Her favorite dagger had appeared in her hand and she didn’t even remember pulling it.

Gil leveled her with a Look, part skeptical, part resigned, mostly so ridiculously _tired._ It was like he didn’t even have the energy to be bitter anymore. Bang decided right then and there she didn’t like it. “It’s called multitasking Captain DuPree. My father is very good at it.”

Bang recoiled like she’d been slapped. Well, like someone else would if they were slapped. “I **do not. _Spy on you_.”**

“Sure Bang. It’s late. I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

* * *

Gil’s attachment problem had to be rubbing off on her. Bang actually _cared_ whether she wrecked things between them. Gil was **_hers_** and she wasn’t about to give him up any time soon.

* * *

They were both sprawled out over Gil’s bed enjoying another night of drinking. It was a quiet night, no dismemberment, no assassination attempts, no failed seductions. Bang had put aside any attempts for the last few weeks, instead falling back on the easy teasing she’d originally had with him. Hanging out with him was much better when his obliviousness was something to mock rather than something in her way.

Both of them were truly drunk, passing the last bottle between them. Gil was a very clingy drunk tonight, plastered against her side like wild baby land-octopus. Bang was idly considering stabbing him. Not because his clinging was annoying, more out of idle boredom and habit. “You’re a good friend Bang.” Bang jolted at the words. They were only slightly slurred and way too sober sounding for how much they’d both drunk. Gil blinked up at her from where he was latched onto her shoulder. “Do you know that Bang? You’re– You’re a good friend.”

Bang had absolutely no idea what to do with that. Her fingers itched for her knife just to cut all the weight and _feelings_ that had somehow descended on the room. She didn’t move. Meanwhile Gil was still talking, completely oblivious like normal. “Everyone wants something. I mean you want things too, but it’s mostly just to kill and maim stuff. That’s easy. Straightforward. I miss having friends like that. Where I only kinda had to constantly keep watch. I had some, back on Castle Wulfenbach. They’re gone now. Stopped talking to me. I don’t know why.” Maybe Bang could stab them instead. She could start hunting them down now. Anything to get out of this whatever it was. “Friends are…” Gil trailed off, losing his train of thought in a haze of alcohol. He found it again soon enough. “Friends are _important._” He blinked back up at Bang again. “You’re a good friend Bang. You’re a… good… good…” Gil trailed off into a loud snore. Bang was left with a drunk Wulfenbach drooling on her shoulder.

Gil was one of those people who couldn’t add sex to an already existing friendship without being eternally awkward about it, wasn’t he? He was, he totally was. He definitely wasn’t the type to be able to recognize that casual sex with someone you cared about could still be casual. No, he’d insist on bringing _feelings_ into it. Just like with everything else.

…She was going to have to give up on the whole wild sweaty animal sex with Gil thing wasn’t she?

* * *

Bang may or may not be breaking into Gil’s room to steal his alcohol. Hey if he didn’t want it stolen he should have put it behind better locks.

There was a startled yelp followed by a thump. “Bang!?” Out of the corner of her eye she could see a mad flail of limbs. When she turned around Gil was standing in front of the bed, both hands in front of his crotch, one holding a crumpled shirt and the other hidden behind it. Clearly Bang had walked on his, ahem, ‘private time’. “What are you doing here?!”

Bang shrugged and continued to the trunk where he stored his drink. “Stealing your booze.” She might have given up on any real thought of sleeping with him but that didn’t mean she’d ever give up teasing him. “Need some help with that?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow pointedly in the direction of his crumpled shirt.

“You’re a little late,” Gil said. “But sure. You can help me finish up.” Bang nearly choked on a mouthful of whiskey. When had Gil developed that kind of sense of humor?

Then Gil dropped the shirt and she realized he hadn’t. He was just being oblivious. As always. There was a trail of dried blood leading up to a clump of bloody gauze he was holding against the inside of his right thigh. She also took a minute just to oogle. She’d been right in her guess he’d be well proportioned. He most definitely was. _Exceedingly so_.

“You got yourself stabbed.”

“Just a bit,” he said sourly. He moved the gauze away enough for Bang to see the wound. It was really high up the inside of his thigh. Really really _really_ high.

“What were you doing to get stabbed _there?_”

“I was with Cosette.”

“Doing _what?_”

“I didn’t know you needed that sort of thing explained to you. I was _with_ her.”

Comprehension dawned. “Awww,” she crooned. “My little Gil was out having sex!”

Gil blushed bright red all the way down. And Bang did mean all the way. “You don’t have to say it like that!”

“Screwing?” Bang offered. “Fucking? Eating each other alive in all the right ways? Pounding her into oblivion? Making her scr–”

“_Alright_.” Gil screeched, face now so red she wasn’t sure there was any blood left anywhere else in his body.

“And she stabbed you while you were screwing? Wow, were you really that bad–”

“It wasn’t Cosette! An assassin snuck in while we were… distracted.”

“You–You were _that_ distract–BWHAHAHAHA!!!!” And that was the moment Bang officially lost it. She bent over cackling madly. “Oh wow that’s rich!! That’s just perfect!”

Gil screwed his face up into a scowly pout. He looked a lot like a constipated Klaus when he did that. “My father does not need to hear about this.”

“Oh come on! It’s hilarious!”

“Bang!”

“Alright, alright.” She finally sucked in enough breath to stand up, laughter fading out to erratic chuckles. “Fine. No telling Daddy Dearest.”

Striding across the room Bang grabbed Gil’s dick and shoved it aside to get a better view of the wound, ignoring Gil’s high-pitched yelp of surprise. He’d already stitched it up and it looked fine but still better safe than having to explain things to Klaus. “Did you check for poisons?”

“Of course I checked for poisons. This is hardly my first time being stabbed.”

“Just checking. Guys tend to forget things when they’re otherwise occupied.”

“We didn’t– We didn’t _keep going!_”

“Why not?”

“Because I’d just been stabbed! Because there were two dead assassins half a meter from the bed! Because Cosette was hysterical! Pick a reason!” Bang let out of a snort of derision. Who let assassins ruin a night rather than make things better?

“So you and Cosette?” She asked, curiosity at what she’d missed bubbling over, “How’d that happen?”

Gil shrugged. “She kissed me.”

Bang’s head shot up. “That’s it!?” All that time wasted and all she’d needed to do was to _kiss him!?!?_

“Well, yeah. She’s pretty, non-homicidal, which is always a plus, we know each other but we’re not really friends so we didn’t have to worry about messing anything up, she wanted to, I wanted to… why not?”

“I’m going to kill you,” Bang growled. Gil abruptly paled. Way more than he normally did at death threats. Bang suddenly realized she was still holding his dick in her hand. Bang considered messing with him for a minute before deciding to cut the idiot a break this one time and grabbing the nearby gauze.

Gil heaved a sigh and scrubbed his hand through his hair. “I walked her home but I think it’s pretty clear that’s one encounter they’ll never be a repeat of.”

“Good,” Bang decided, pulling out a length of bandaging to wrap around everything.

“Good? Cosette’s probably traumatized for life. Not to mention that I’ll be lucky if she even speaks to me again. And she was really good at–”

“You were stabbed in the thigh while with her.”

“It’s not Cosette’s fault we were attacked!”

“But it is her fault she was useless helping you fight.” Gil needed help finding dates whose spines weren’t made out of pudding. Clearly Bang would have to act as a wingwoman here.

Gil tapered off into nondescript grumbling, conceding her point without actually conceding anything. Bang continued patching things up as she thought through her newly presented Gil problem.

Tarvek would make a decent AffectionateAnnoyance-in-law. Or maybe Gil would manage to find someone who wasn’t homicidal but wasn’t so boring that Bang felt she had to stab them. Maybe some pretty little Spark girl to put him in his place. Gil needed someone to take the reins when it came to a relationship.

“One of these days,” Bang told him as she finished up, “I’m going to explain everything you missed the last year.”

“Oh? And what all would that be?”

“So much.”

Gil cocked an eyebrow at him as he gingerly pulled on a pair of pants. “Are you going to tell me what it is?” Bang considered it.

It could wait.

After all there was a box of throwing knives in Gil’s lab marked _Bang’s Birthday_ that proved that whatever this was with her and Gil, it was for the long haul.

“Nah. I think I’ll save it for your wedding toast.” Bang flashed him a friendly baring of teeth. “I think I’ll start with a full explanation of your last birthday.”


End file.
